Dearest,
My apologies.
It was no accident you chose me,
We were the same, raging
in a world that blinked
indifference.
A fresh soul delivered from your
warm immersion into
sensory terror.
Your brain already fighting its mismatched puzzle.
Neurons bouncing like beads clicking against the floor.
Images of warm deep embraces-edged
into the distance.
Childhood pleasures morphed into sensory diets,
play therapies,
mood stabilizers.
No Parenting magazine knew you.
Five years besieged
by a mind brimming
confusion.
Wide black eyes glazed,
never willing to meet my gaze.
No immediacy of love,
It stood in the middle distance
trepidatious, edging silently forward,
a little,
at a time.
Until the day we heard that gentle porcelain doctor say
“autism spectrum.”
There you stood, and I saw you
for the first time
looking right at me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Falling in and out of love!
When one's child is born with an invisible yet neurologically different need, you are met with a physically beautiful and healthy baby. However, until symptoms appear you just see that. When you choose to breastfeed and thus room in with him you are met with certain supports, to do with nursing, bathing and the like. When he starts screaming at 12 hours old he is planted on your exhausted body, as apparently nursing him will stop it. It does not. You are left with this teeny entity that had been telling you he has been alive from 14 weeks in utero. The nurses can't manage his needs, thus he is thrust on your lap.
In hindsight, I should have checked myself out and gone home. At least my baby's father would be there to support me, instead of as the nurses and doctor's did; chastise me for immediately recognizing, this baby needs movement, constantly. It was instinct with me. I walked the halls, got yelled at by night staff for doing so. From the very moment this little boy was born he needed more than the regular world would give. That night the nurse yelled at me for marching the halls with him. I in post partum glory told her she was a fucking cunt and she could fuck herself. Suddenly I was listened to, was given the empty neo natal unit and a rocking chair.
My life with Jacob began with me fighting for him, and I have no doubt will end with it.
Here we are almost 12 years later, I have two other kids, both with needs of their own. The issue with having children with or without invisible disabilities is, you fall in love, out of love and in love again. Of course you always "Love" them, however, their needs, personalities, behaviors and reactions truly test you to the point of wanting to run away. Yes, I have googled how to run away. You may judge, like I see society easily do, or you can at lease listen. We do not want your pity or your judgement, just understanding.
We fall in and out of love with our children all the time, yet for some reason, the special needs parent is berated the most when they admit to this.
I was censured and made feel like dross the night I instinctively knew this child needed to be walked. Next time you see a parent with an out of control child.........think, count to ten and ask yourself. "Is this my place to judge?"
You know what, I still "walk" Jacob, in different ways now, although no one ever bother's to ask how. How sad, and what a waste of marvelous information.
In hindsight, I should have checked myself out and gone home. At least my baby's father would be there to support me, instead of as the nurses and doctor's did; chastise me for immediately recognizing, this baby needs movement, constantly. It was instinct with me. I walked the halls, got yelled at by night staff for doing so. From the very moment this little boy was born he needed more than the regular world would give. That night the nurse yelled at me for marching the halls with him. I in post partum glory told her she was a fucking cunt and she could fuck herself. Suddenly I was listened to, was given the empty neo natal unit and a rocking chair.
My life with Jacob began with me fighting for him, and I have no doubt will end with it.
Here we are almost 12 years later, I have two other kids, both with needs of their own. The issue with having children with or without invisible disabilities is, you fall in love, out of love and in love again. Of course you always "Love" them, however, their needs, personalities, behaviors and reactions truly test you to the point of wanting to run away. Yes, I have googled how to run away. You may judge, like I see society easily do, or you can at lease listen. We do not want your pity or your judgement, just understanding.
We fall in and out of love with our children all the time, yet for some reason, the special needs parent is berated the most when they admit to this.
I was censured and made feel like dross the night I instinctively knew this child needed to be walked. Next time you see a parent with an out of control child.........think, count to ten and ask yourself. "Is this my place to judge?"
You know what, I still "walk" Jacob, in different ways now, although no one ever bother's to ask how. How sad, and what a waste of marvelous information.
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