Hey Bipolar Bear

In a previous blog a long time ago I referred to Jacob's Mood Disorder as Bipolar Bear. He was in the midst of a manic episode and I knew where it would end. I was spot on too; it ended up with an emergency appointment and a swift medication juggle. Here was my dilemma, I was delighted he was receiving the treatment he needed and simultaneously traumatized that once again we had barely escaped a psych ward admission. We've avoided it thus far, really minimally avoiding that threshold between outpatient and commitment. He's still little though. He was an even littler boy then. Yet today I knew from the moment I heard the sun, my bear is again sick. There is a 'normal' state of silliness and hyperactivity before his Adhd medicine focus's him. Today was different. I heard that scream, that maniacal laugh, that racing thump of ball and heel along hallways, and immediately my throat constricted and my stomach formed an introverted knot. Remember, Jacob has co-morbid disorders. Autism, Adhd, Bipolar Disorder. They Coexist like a Russian nesting dolls. Jacob's nesting doll is not finite, it's not fixed, no one neurology is bigger or smaller than the other. They hold hands and dance, twisting their pathology like a twisted ribbon on a Maypole. His dolls dip in and out of one another, they overlay, separate and return; a psychological osmosis moving though each other. His brain and neurology strike cruel tricks, cast riposte and shadow. Today it was not my Jacob, today the doll's spoke, not my bear, I only heard the dolls. Over 13 hours they laughed, screamed, cried, sobbed, raged and finally slept under the gaze, yes tears, remorse and soothing rub of nails on a 12 year old boy's little back. His body relaxed, slack and soft, and finally my bear slept. Tomorrow the doll's and I need to talk.