The Meh and the heartbreak

I hear "My Heart breaks,"...."doesn't it break your heat." Even from those that have plenty enough to bear heartbreak wise. If it's not your child though, that heartbreak seems warranted, even accepted. I have read and followed many an article and thread and it seems "My heart breaks" leads the view. I can only speak from personal experience, my heart doesn't break. It just doesn't, my emotions are pulled, like a tug boat against it's will. You know you should but you don't want to, in fact beneath it all you're irritated you are asked an emotion at all. This is America where American emotion's are worn, expressed and thrown like confetti. Our real emotion, well, we don't know. We have been lead and drawn to convey and spread out emotion like a thin quilt.We cleave to theater to help us express said feelings: Golden Globe's, Oscars's. Oh trust me, I am as much to blame, I cleave the play, the distraction. I read a tweet tonight that said their "heart broke",while watching a recipient's acceptance speech. It reminded me,all the times I see similar tweets for stories about people, kids and adults how their "hearts broke," for an illness,a death,a child with cancer, that child's death from cancer, a celebrity's death. I have lived heart ache from a few seconds after Jacob was born. Not lack of love,not lack of longing but a heart ache. A knowing something didn't fit. The professional's around me knew as well. They shared the heart ache. Periodically we cried together. I lived that heart ache until he was medically diagnosed as Bipolar and Autistic. Then my heart broke. When your heart breaks it's the ache you've been carrying, it slows down, rests and stops. It's quite peaceful really. Seven years later I still carry it,although it's not an ache or a break. It's a hike. Don't laugh, that is what Autism and Pediatric Bipolar is, it's a hike. You slog, someday's you keep the head down and trudge on, someday's it's head's up and uphill and looking around. Many day's is head forward,no movement,forward,the blinker and both side's of his face, keeping him forward, his wide guide. Because those days you are his guild, compass and counselor. So,when I hear "My heart break's, my heart aches...."I think, really, my heart goes meh. I couldn't survive breaking and aching. Meh means I can aide him,all of them, and me. My heart goes meh, a lot, but it's my meh.