Planets

Last week I lost a friend.  At least I think technically I did. We used to live a few doors down from each other and my easy going Aspie connected with her son.  If I had suggested her son was also splashed with Asperger's I suspect I would have lost that friend a little bit earlier.  It's all good though, in so many ways we are all sprayed with something: Aspie, Adhd, Ocd, Anxiety, well, something neurological.

I have been dwelling on and off about losing that friendship.  In reality it was only when she was a stay at home parent and I a forced stay at home parent, we connected.  She started work while I could neither afford it or energetically absorb that and three children with special needs.  We drifted.  I saw it, I knew.  She would call me on her commute home from work....she was bored.  I was knee deep in medication needs, meltdowns and the most full on part of my day.  My father (aka asshole sperm donor) does the same.  He likes to call between dinner and bedtime.  It suits him on his Western European time frame.  I have begged he not......he forgets.  Thus, I ignore his calls.

All of the above had me over the last few weeks really absorb how others truly do NOT understand the planet of special needs, the planet of Autism.  Autism spins, regardless of your schedule, your needs or your demands.  Autism, Early Onset Bipolar, Adhd and Sensory Processing Disorder is far too busy to care about your time frame, open calendar, boredom, insomnia.

We truly are planets, I and my three continents on ours and everyone else on theirs.  Some planets are bigger than others as they hold more experiences.  That's ok.  However, remember it is only Earth, the third smallest of the solar system that holds sentient life.  One of the smallest in our solar system.  Your Planet may be massive and homogeneous,  mine is small and devoid of bullshit.  Enjoy your planet.    Make sure it doesn't burst.

I wait

We met on a Tuesday.

Honestly, I don't remember the day.  I do remember we met.  Late for us both, you were willing to call me, listen to my day, my worries, my fears.  You listened.

You never judged me, you never named me, you just listened.  Had I known how that call would have rooted itself.  If I had known what we were growing.  Perhaps it's best I didn't know, couldn't see the next 17 months. I might have run so far, or you might have never called back.  I didn't run and you called again.

Flaws and blemishes have become obvious I know, but here we are, no one's running, we both keep calling.

One day we'll meet again, perhaps on a Tuesday.

In the mean time I will await the other 6 days.

I just wait for you!

Autism Day.....same as yesterday!

April 2nd was Autism Awareness Day.  I had grand notions of links and diatribes, explanations, moving stories and emotive words.  I had my blue light bulb.  I was poised, ready.  I was about to tell you all about the enormity, the dignity and the need to pay attention.  Then I awoke.

Screams, hollers, toilet paper strewn around the house, demands for hot dogs for breakfast and oppositional defiance that makes a rock look argumentative. Out of control hyperactivity, little bodies squeezing me so hard it was beyond a hug and my kidney's were texting me to be donated.  As a sensory introvert, you may as well scrape those nails on the chalk board already.  In fact, I spent the ensuing hours playing zone defense; tag team is not just a sports analogy you know.  Somewhere in the middle one of the unholy trinity made it to therapy. It was a miracle anyone was fed today.

This is not everyday, however it's not an unusual day for me.  I can handle the large hurdles like Atlas, shoulder it and muddle on.  It's the little things that tear me down, like muscle torn with each overextended stretch.  The need to be more than parent, provider and caregiver.  It's when I have to be Father as well as Mother, when I have to be confident, best friend, play mate, punching bag and the most hated thing on the planet.  Most hated, because I love them so much I can say "No!" and stick to it.  Yes, sound like Neurotypical parenthood, doesn't it?  Now add the bubbles to the bath water.  That's autism, your typical world, effervescent, hissing, bubbling and frothing.

Aware!  Oh yes, I am aware, I have been aware for about 12 years now.  I am extremely aware that tomorrow my 8 year old son, officially diagnosed with Autism this year has to be sedated completely for a small filling.  That's $400 of awareness with dental insurance.  Autism is not aware, it is heedless.  It's agenda  is blinkered and unrelenting.  To be aware is something, to battle the heedless is noble and ironically also relentless.