Autism in the mirror

Jacob stormed through the door yesterday, stomped up the six steps to the living room, slumped in a heap on the sofa.  His face was screwed up in frustrated annoyance.  First words out of his mouth, "I'm tired of people who don't want to understand my autism!"  As the parent, you have to think of the two worlds I inhabited at that moment.  The one where I wanted to find the bastard that made my boy feel this way, and the one where I was doing a mental and emotional dance that Jacob was finally articulating his feelings with autism.

I learned several years ago to delve in with a plethora of questions only confuses and separates from the experience.  I was folding laundry, looked nonplussed, "Oh yeah, did something happen?"  My hands were folding, my mind was in an origami of worry and anticipation.

There is a boy on the school bus, he quizzed Jacob about his Autism.  Said boy also shared his 'college' level reading level and his 'genius' with genetics.  Of course my literal Autie heard this and swallowed it whole.

Nothing impresses Jacob more than an exceptional knowledge of Marvel Heroes, Pirates, Star Wars and what the actual term "Google" means,  than a clever peer.  I doubt this child was "clever" in the way Jacob perceived; however, I knew Jake needed to believe it.

Jacob went on to tell me how he tried to explain autism to this boy.  He compared it to brains being wired differently, that it can not be outgrown and there are many people with Autism in their older years who still can not find a way to connect and fit in.  Apparently College boy demanded "but you could TRY to be more normal."  It was Jacob's response that stopped my folding.  "Well, what is normal?  No thanks I like my autism."

He burst through the door, angry, frustrated, perplexed and agitated, not because College boy judged him, but he wasn't willing to listen to him.  Now who is the one enveloped with "the notion of morbid self absorbsion?"

That cup is half...no it's empty!

I started following a few blogs, twitter and facebok pages recently as April was Autism awareness month.  For the most part I found a great deal of supportive and real life "Aha" experiences.  However, I also found a great deal of those that posted how they wouldn't change their children or family member's one iota.  This got me thinking, in fact it got me soul searching.

Of course I know and accept my children (Jacob-12, ASD, BP, ADHD, etc etc; Cormac-8, Aspergers, SPD, etc etc; Hannah-5, Adhd, SPD) are perfect as they are as that is the way they are made....hard wired so to speak.  I was left thinking.  My two boys really, I mean REALLY struggle with peer interactions.  Neither have "friends" outside of school relationships and even then it's heavily patrolled and orchestrated by a wonderful school.

However, the pressure is on by the Autie world at large to accept them to the point that I push away all else.  I'm not sure I can, in fact I know I can't.  Of course I embrace their unique perspective on the world; I learn more than any Professor with a Phd some days, just during dinner.  However, I also catch their pain, their loneliness, their isolation.  Some days, like today, when my cup has been mentally and emotionally drained I am guilty of snapping, pushing away and after I calm down feeling like a complete failure.

I know tomorrow my cup will be full again, I will accept and embrace again, but please no one judge me because when it's empty I just need some space, a break, or even a dumb joke on twitter.  Autism is a double edged sword.