Unfather's Day

Many of you know the cynical and dare I say it negative feelings I have towards fatherhood.  I don't mean to appear disparaging to those who have great relationships with their Dads or are married to men who are wonderful Dads.  My children are in fact blessed to have a good dad, who truly loves and cares for them.

Having said that I still feel somewhat alienated from this Father/child relationship.  Lots of factors come into play though; both Grandfathers were absent, alcoholic fathers.  From what I know it sounds like their own father's were similar, either due to WWI or just being neurologically impaired.  So, for me it is a multi generational issue and not merely a current one.  Parenting is a learned discipline.  I know society pressures us to become instant excellent parents from the moment the baby crowns, but let's face it it truly is a learn as you go occupation, heavily based in what we witnessed as a growing child.  Now, to me the latter doesn't matter if those parents were heterosexual, single, same sex etc, it's about what was witnessed in terms of a loving and nurturing home.

I however, and at the very minimum two generations before me did not have the luxury of such marvelous role models.  My incredible Mother and despite their flaws my Grandmothers did the best they could, thus yielding the best children they could.  Some did better than others emotionally, but all did the best they could, considering the odds.

I have a hard time with father's day.  Although not because I am bitter.  I have a hard time because I feel no deep connection to this relationship.  My own experience with an emotionally absentee Father for over a decade who suddenly decided he wanted in on this Daddy thing has been fraught with such raw and numb emotion.  It's honestly not a conscious act; I liken it to being born blind and when they fix the corneas at age 5 it's too late.  The brain has rewritten the synapses.  My emotional synapses are wired;  I make a conscious effort for the sake of my own children and their relationship with their Grandfather.  Even so, there's a lot of confusion and damage control.  Then I realize, not only am I missing that meaningful history with my father, but sadly he is missing the same with me.  So, no matter my feelings toward my partner (another post for another day), I am quite glad my children adore him and he is indeed a "good father."