The Nana spell

I am blessed to have a wonderful Mum, who had me young.  As such we truly are best friends.  Having said that she is absolutely The Mammy as well; parent first, friend second.  It's a trip and a joy to watch her with her three grand children as let's face it, it's all she's getting.  I'm an only child and these tubes are about to be hung up for good in a couple of months. *whispers thankya baby Jesus over and over;)*

My Mum is a great traveller and makes a concerted effort to visit twice a year while I try to get home to Ireland with one kid once a year, when funds allow.  My children still do have all four grandparents  alive and kicking but with their paternal set a mere six hours away in waiting for God mode in central Florida, and as for my own father.....well, I have blogged about his own narcisisum ad nauseum.  My Mum, a mere 20 years my senior is the pulse of what these kids believe to be a grand parent.  Of course they love all their G-parents, but none of the four can capture their souls, imagination and pure total unconditional love as my Mum can.  I suspect because her connection to childhood flows and ribbons like a natural bend in the river; she eases into their world as flawlessly as sugar dissolves into warm water.  Each one so different in their wants and needs, yet she can meet them where they are, quietly, slotting into their psyche like a ball bearing in a weighted blanket.

The next ten days will bring immense pleasure and joy no doubt, but not just because of the delight in watching the generational stepping stones washed over by the river's swirling current, but because I can see clearly how my Mother and I forged our easy, fluid bond from so early on and what a gift I was bequeathed in how easy it has been to do so with my babies.  Nana's rock!!!!

Unfather's Day

Many of you know the cynical and dare I say it negative feelings I have towards fatherhood.  I don't mean to appear disparaging to those who have great relationships with their Dads or are married to men who are wonderful Dads.  My children are in fact blessed to have a good dad, who truly loves and cares for them.

Having said that I still feel somewhat alienated from this Father/child relationship.  Lots of factors come into play though; both Grandfathers were absent, alcoholic fathers.  From what I know it sounds like their own father's were similar, either due to WWI or just being neurologically impaired.  So, for me it is a multi generational issue and not merely a current one.  Parenting is a learned discipline.  I know society pressures us to become instant excellent parents from the moment the baby crowns, but let's face it it truly is a learn as you go occupation, heavily based in what we witnessed as a growing child.  Now, to me the latter doesn't matter if those parents were heterosexual, single, same sex etc, it's about what was witnessed in terms of a loving and nurturing home.

I however, and at the very minimum two generations before me did not have the luxury of such marvelous role models.  My incredible Mother and despite their flaws my Grandmothers did the best they could, thus yielding the best children they could.  Some did better than others emotionally, but all did the best they could, considering the odds.

I have a hard time with father's day.  Although not because I am bitter.  I have a hard time because I feel no deep connection to this relationship.  My own experience with an emotionally absentee Father for over a decade who suddenly decided he wanted in on this Daddy thing has been fraught with such raw and numb emotion.  It's honestly not a conscious act; I liken it to being born blind and when they fix the corneas at age 5 it's too late.  The brain has rewritten the synapses.  My emotional synapses are wired;  I make a conscious effort for the sake of my own children and their relationship with their Grandfather.  Even so, there's a lot of confusion and damage control.  Then I realize, not only am I missing that meaningful history with my father, but sadly he is missing the same with me.  So, no matter my feelings toward my partner (another post for another day), I am quite glad my children adore him and he is indeed a "good father."

Extreme parenting and contact parenting!

There is a modern myth that has been revolving through the parental blogs, magazines, articles and even play ground gossip the last generation.  Parenthood, once attained should, must and will define you.  Once one becomes a parent (no matter how it arrives) your world is complete, all is right with cosmic tumblers and we can all die happy in our beds, (obviously though that would be bad, because to orphan said child would be a felony or something).  In reality, parenting is the hardest, most exhausting, relentless job on the planet, and anyone who suggests it's a gift from the heavens needs a swift kick in the taco.  Children are mini people, they aren't neat bundles of fluff, collected in scrapbooks, complete with glitter, ribbon and embroidered cliches.

Now, ask me is parenting worth it?  HELL YEAH!  Don't get me wrong, not back tracking on my opening shocker of an anvil, just putting it in perspective is all.  If one is willing to fully open up one's personal vulnerabilities, children do so much to push us, needle us, cajole us and make us laugh at ourselves.  They create an environment where if we so choose, we can be freer than we've ever been, even more so than when we were kids ourselves, because we are seasoned, have lost that initial innocence and love to revel in it once more, if only for fleeting moments.

Now add to the mix, the needs of a child who needs that bit more than a typical one.  Add to that being afraid to allow your child to play in a Mc Donald's play place, or having to follow your child around Chucky Cheese heel to toe when he's 8 years old, for fear he will unleash his autism or adhd tendencies on your unsuspecting perfectly typical child.  Add to that the impulsive 4 year old that likes the smell of your lotion and asks to lick your arm (hey at least she asked).  Imagine, finding your son in the corner of a place that most kids are reveling in, on his hunkers, rocking back and forth, holding his ears and screaming everyone needs to be quiet now?  Imagine being the parent of those kids, tortured in an environment you and society says all children must enjoy?  Imagine parenting those children.  If you can't, you haven't extreme parented yet.  Join us, we have donuts!

Summer Lovin' 2011 style

Remember as a kid, summer meant bolting out of the house with toast still in hand, not returning until lunch and dashing out again straight after? Remember at 5 mins before 8, playing with your wind up watch, so it would "appear" to be slow??!! Remember, disgruntled parents standing at the front gate tutting you and swiping at your head for pretending your watch was slow?

What the hell happened in as little as a generation?

Now, I am expected to come outside, sit on a curb or a deck chair 'watching' my kids turning circles on their bikes and scooters in the cul de sac, listening to other parents chastise their off spring....for....being....kids?! What happened to scaling walls, hiking up trees, childhood independence? Suburban sprawl has created a monster..... fear of nothing.

Obviously there are everyday doh moments; yes a bike helmet does make sense, don't cycle to the main road, still don't talk to the weird shirtless dude who waves and holds out sweets and candy, but for the love of all that is childhood holy....let them be kids. Let them live and absorb and grow!

The Medication Quandry

I find it absolutely incredible the public and even professional debate that occurs when the concept of medication and kids' neurological issues comes in to play. One just doesn't hear the same rhetoric with any other organ in a child's body. Perhaps it's because the brain is such an enigma still, perhaps it's because the brain is what makes us all who we are; all I know is everyone and anyone appears to have an opinion on it.

This is my view, if your kid is neurologically healthy, intact, stable, happy, healthy then more power to you. However, if that same parent or adult chooses to judge another parent with a neurologically impacted child, well honestly, go and soak your head. I certainly wouldn't judge a parent of a child with diabetes and the med they go with to help their kid! In reality anything that is neurologically altering bothers the hell out of most normal folks, and so it should. It took several years, many more episodes and a broken acoustic guitar over a grown man's back to get us to go that route.

It saved my son's life.

When your 4 year old announces he can fly and opens the car door at 65 mph on the highway come back and judge.

Today I have a happy, healthy, hormonal (in a NORMAL way) funny, creative 11 year old. You want to judge our choices? Still soaking that head, bloody hope so!!!!???

Aspergers! The good, the bad and the ugly!

If you have met one kid with autism, then you have met one kid. A good friend said that once. Never a truer word was spoken. Think about it like other neurological disorders, like Cerebral Palsy. With all "spectrum" disorders you can have anything from someone who's so high functioning you have to cock your head, squint with your left eye and stand on your head to see it. Then you see the highly impacted child or individual and it's like a wet fish across the face. You know, the types you either stare at with your jaw dragging on the ground or you are deliberately ignoring, while at the same time feeling relieved and guilty. Yes, so do I, even still, after 11 years of dealing with high functioning autism and a couple of co morbid disorders that tack themselves on for shits and giggles.

I have three spectrum kiddos, all like stepping stones from most impacted to least impacted. They have similarities for sure, but more importantly they are so unique and different. Think of it like one of those venn diagrams you despised in Math class in or in Language Arts. Three circles that intersect in the middle. The majority of the circle is each individual, with bits that overlap with their siblings, both individually or as a trifecta. Aspergers syndrome is a neurological disorder (NO, it's not a bloody disease, you can't catch it and trust me, chemo doesn't help). having said that, yes many of those on the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) spectrum do benefit from other interventions, like therapy, dietary change, supplements or prescription medications.

I have two who need meds and all three benefit from supplements and other holistic intervention, such as chiropractic care. The first that tells me chiropractors are quacks, come see what my oldest is like after a specific adjustment. Night and bloody day!!!! Rainman is an anomaly, which is why it became a movie. They never make movies about the mundane or the day to day slog of dealing with social needs or neurological disorders, hell, that would be far too real and down right depressing...where's the uplifting "Awe' feeling in that? True, people on the higher end of the spectrum are hyperfocused on one or a few special interests. True, they often struggle with eye contact, although I will stipulate not all. I have one eye flitter, one "don't feckin' look at me" and one "let me stare you out of it." I have two sensory seekers, who bounce, swing, body slam all day (if allowed), and one who won't notice if he has lost a limb, but a splinter involves the jaws of life.

They ALL struggle with voice volume and pitch, and intense patience and great speech therapy has helped with that, and all have struggled with fine and gross motor delays (ie: the 11 year old is only now learning to ride a bike with training wheels). However, they all have an incredible sense of humour, an inbred need to please (pre and post meltdowns;). They are uniquely their own little person, and I wouldn't have it any other way.....well ok, some days, but for the most part...nah! Love me my Aspies!

The Grandfather Factor

I'm not sure if many are aware when reading my blog, but I am not a US citizen.  I was raised in Ireland with a college stint in England.  Living here in the US with three decidedly American children I am afforded an interesting perspective on both parenting, special needs parenting and mixing cultures in general.

Obviously, grandparents play a unique role in the life of the child, regardless of ability, even more so when that grandparent is from another country.  This week my father is visiting from Ireland.  He is by no means the classic epitome of stereotypical grandfather.  He is a relatively young grandparent, not yet 60, and my children will be his only grand kids as I am his only child.  He loves them of course in his own way, but he is as clueless today about the peculiarities of childhood and childhood things as he was when I was a girl.  Add into the mix three very different kids with three very different, singular needs.  It's taken a good decade for him to finally understand these children are indeed not typical and about as long to realize he is Poppa and not merely Frank.

Having said all that, having this extra generation under the roof, infringing on our already precarious routine and day to day stepping stone existence is both unnerving and frustrating.  Unlike my Mother who slots herself into our lives effortlessly, pitching in where necessary and happily riding along with the flotsam and jetsam of our goings on, my father is more stagnant, expectant, rigid.  He needs as much interaction and entertaining as the kids do.  While I am glad to see the bond grow between Jacob, Cormac and Hannah and their youthful Grandfather, by the same token I find myself irritated by his inability to notice when a friendly tease can turn treacherous or when he brushes off a meltdown as nothing when his actions or in-actions caused it.

It is so easy to fall into old grumblings and honestly, unrealistic expectations for him and who I need him to be in my and my three darlings' lives.  This trip though, I catch myself; who am I to draw what his relationship needs to be between he and Jake, Cormac and Hannah?  In that regard all I can do is nudge them all gently towards each other, step back, observe and wait.  This is their journey, all four of them.  I am but the facilitator and gentle guide.